There was an apocalypse on the horizon. For those of you who don’t know what an ‘apocalypse’ is, the word means a changing of the ages. Like… the Jurassic period becoming the Crustacean period when the crab people had their glorious empire before the disaster that was known as “the Great Hemorrhoid” which was most inconveniently located. Those ages are all but forgotten now and nobody would even believe they existed if it were not for the chance of their bones being preserved as fossils after being vacuum sealed zip-locked plastic bags before the Ice Age. That’s why you should recycle your plastics, btw. That stuff never decomposes.
Anyway, the apocalypse had been foretold to happen by ancient and mystical prophecies by people of the previous age who knew the next age was going to happen and why. Such a feat of prophecy is highly unlikely, because of the mysterious natures of apocalyptoid events of all kinds. However, the reason why that was so confused over time so that it couldn’t be squashed together and taken care of all at once which would have been better, is because of the same problem prophets and oracles always have: explaining what they know. In this case, the previous age was being brought about by people who were well known for language, as they even centered their entire religious practices around the effective and vital functions written language serves in a community.
However, time is limited for all of us, and they were already old by the time they received the prophecy, so they weren’t able to puzzle out the solution in time, but they probably could have if they were ten years younger. The problem was that a word did not exist to describe what they had saw happening. It was a verb, not a noun. A noun is a person, place, or thing. An object, living or dead, animate or inanimate, spiritual or material, or the phenomena of mass and gravity occurring at specific localities. You’ll be quizzed on that later, btw. A verb is an action of something happening. So, in other words, the difference between a verb and a noun has primarily to do with time being woven into matter. That expression that coveys the passage of time in a peculiar way as it pertains to nouns is a verb. So, consider the sentence: The maiden is maidening maidenly. Maiden is a noun, maidening is a verb to describe what that noun is doing, and in this sense is expressing itself. Maidenly is a what’s called an adverb which is an added detail about that passage of time to describe anything particularly special about it. Maidenly thus means that she is very much a maiden in time. You couldn’t mistake her for anything, I’m sure. She looks like a maiden, is in fact doing precisely what a maiden does, and she is doing it as maidens do.
Anyway, grammar class is over, and we are back to parabolas. They saw what was happening and it was very much like a maiden maidening maidenly. “It’s all the same thing!” They said. “What’s there to even say about it? You’ll just confuse people by trying to put that into words, “the maiden will arrive by the road around the mountain is suitable. We don’t need to say anything about the white horses and their champions that will be guarding her like they do for all maidens when they travel the mountain road. That’s never going to catch on with the kids.”
Some people felt differently, and there was a great disagreement about it. It escalated too much, in fact, blood was spilt, and it was a terrible tragedy, but in the end, the translation for that word never happened. People could still see it from the future, but not as clearly as the old ones who saw it first as it was happening in the present around them. To express the definition it’s more like, coming, going, returning, and going back while becoming itself again each time it goes or comes. See the problem here? In a word it is Revolution. Notice the R. That has unique significance culturally to apply the necessary meaning to the normal verb of a cyclical motion that is significant to the context of an apocalypse. They knew what would happen, but there is no way they would be able to know about the French Revolution, the American Revolution, the Industrial Revolution, or the Beatle’s song.
To sum it up, and if you abridge this to the short version, start here: the old people of the previous age saw that there was some nefarious dealing being smuggled across the apocalypse and knew that was going to be a problem that would cause another apocalypse eventually and make everyone return to the one happening then to figure out what the problem was and how it started.
“Where did this evil come from?”
“I don’t know. I thought you knew.”
“You’re saying you don’t know? It’s got your special symbol on it right here. You don’t recognize this?”
“Never seen it before.”
*gulp*
“Okay, well let’s trace it to the origin and kick in some doors to find out who’s responsible. Honestly, it’s been too long since we did a good door kicking raid, so I’m kinda looking forward to this.”
Now we can introduce the main characters of the story.
There were two men, one from the age that came after the prophecy and in between the two known ages, and one from the future age that they knew was going to happen and prophesied about after seeing the evil sneak through customs with bribes. That’s the very reason why the apocalypse for them happened, and if the law enforcement were letting that escape into the next age, the same thing is going to happen in reverse.
So now we get to the two main characters. The two protagonists as it were, and you know how that goes when there are two. The end up as rivals and likely suffer some unfortunate maidenly fantasies about their rivalry such as the infamous Yuri who kidnapped the princess and his celebrated childhood friend, Flynn, who was a famous knight from her kingdom.
“Maidens will maiden maidenly. We may as well let them if that’s part of what they do as maidens because maidens are worth keeping around no matter what,” One protagonist said to the other.
“That’s the only reason why I went through all this trouble if I’m being honest with you, other protag. This age of mine is horrible and it needs to end. There are literally no maidens left anymore! Something killed them all and all that is left are young crones. It’s awful and not worth living in. We need to change something about what happened to kill all the maidens and start letting them come back to life. That’s why I came back here. To find out what killed all the maidens so I could do something about it in my time.”
“Daaaaaang, bro. That’s no bueno. I can’t imagine a world without maidens. I’d kill myself. Seriously. What’s the point of doing anything if there are only nasty, old crones? Even if they look young, that’s still doesn’t feel right and they are no good to have around. I’m trying to tell them in my time that they gotta change because of what they are doing to maidens in secret. My own ma got knocked up by a priest banging her at the confessional.”
“Ooooh, that’s grody, dude. I bet it makes a good story though.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying, but everyone knows it’s bonkers and doesn’t get the joke. It’s like they want to kill me now too. Can your old people in your age laugh? They are no fun here.”
“Yeah, we got plenty of old people laughing, and loads of elder maidens, but no young ones suitable for marrying. I’m surprised that the kids are no fun anymore like when I was a kid, because that was not all that long ago, and that’s part of the problem too. It’s like… they all just gave up on life before they even started, and so when life starts the first thing do is take themselves out to watch. I don’t get it. So with no maidens and no young people in life to liven things up with whatever they have in mind, it is a desolate waste land. Guess what happened once I showed up and did my special dance moves? All the old people who were already out because they had died in some way or another and wanted to go nap and drink prune juice instead of being in life—they came back from the dead like there are no rules to stop them from doing so and started doing the most evil of evils imaginable like it was some sort of teaching for their grandkids to follow.”
“You’ve got to be joking.”
“I wish I was. I’m talking serial killers, rapists, human slavers, high treason, human sacrifice, blood rituals they reimagined from the time before yours, and that’s not all. It’s all I can do to not let them kill me in real life.”
“I can’t imagine what that must be like for you… I thought I had it bad. I could see some of that from over here, but I thought I needed to get my eyes checked because it was unbelievably evil from what I could tell. It looked the Devil himself had been ruling the world for hundreds of years, got bored, and exposed all his underlings to cover his escape.”
“You saw all that? You got some sharp eyes, man, because that’s a good way to put it without knowing the people that are being used by the evil forces.”
“That’s a relief. Sometimes when I look that way, it’s so dang bright I think I’m going blind because it leaves spots in my eyes that I gotta blink for a while to get rid of.”
“I know what you mean. I’ve got a special technique for that actually. Something I figured out how to do just to find the toilet because of how in-my-face that light was all the time while I was a kid. It’s like wearing sun glasses. Let me show you. Just cast a little bit a shade over your perception to darken things a bit without going into evil. Boom. Perfect.”
“You’re a genius! Why didn’t I think about that?”
“No worries, teach everyone if you want.”
“Now that I can see you better, I’m going to be honest with you… and don’t think this weird, but you look good. I mean, if I was maiden, I’d marry you.”
…
“Hey, are you still there?”
“Sorry, what were you saying? Sometimes I get the faintest trace of maidenly energy upon the magic winds and I can’t help but turn my attention back to the present. I’m not sure if they are really that scarce, or if they are all in hiding because of what’s killing them in public.”
“Uhhh… I said I’m glad your just some regular guy like me and not the Big Kahuna like I thought you were at first with all that light in your presence. Gotta admit I’m kinda jealous you get that kind of grace.”
“Trust me, you do not want my life. The things I have had to go through… I’d switch places with what you have if I didn’t feel bad about making someone suffer worse than they already have coming. So I pretty much need all of it just to fight for my life everyday when at all moments there are demons, evil slaves, and all sorts of abominations trying to kill me.”
“I believe you. I wouldn’t switch places with you either, because that does in fact look worse, and I’m not sure I could do it. You’ve got what it takes though. That much I can see. I’m sure you’ll perservere.”
“That’s reassuring to hear from you because it’s been an endless nightmare I thought would end years ago when it began and people were recognizing what was happening. Not a single person is willing to fight all of Hell and the Devil’s underlings except me. Everyone else is helping them fight me in one way or another as slaves of the slaves who want me to free them. I’m like, get over yourself, you filthy hag! I gotta survive too! Do you not see what you are trying to do to me and you want me to go put my life on the line for your dumb ass? Just tell those evil people, ‘no!’ for Christ’s sake! They are not even being guarded, forced to stay, threatened, or anything. They couldn’t be more unbelievably lazy, apathetic, and horridly unpleasant to see, let alone think about saving. I’m hoping they get caught in the crossfire and die just to be rid of them from my sight already and not have to kill them myself after. Have you ever squashed a bug that big? They are so bloated like ticks the people are going to think the damn rivers are turning into blood again like back in Moses’ day.”
“How do you get away with that kind of language in the presence of the Big Kahuna?”
“Uhhh, idk. I just say whatever and don’t give a fuck. I’d be grateful if the Big Kahuna ended my life right here and right now because of how much I hate life in the age I have to contend with. It’s actually a serious problem how much I want to kill myself, and I’d rather we change the subject and focus on the problem we are both here for than dwell on those thoughts.”
“Good point.”
And so the two men, one of the previous age and one in the new age both cooperated with the singular intention of correcting the singular problem that was making life difficult for them by eliminating maidens as marriage candidates. That is all they both really wanted or nothing at all. The very thought of marrying a man like people in both their ages were doing was dreadfully disgusting to them.
Long story short, the problem actually became about who the real protagonist was. Was the man from the previous age the real protagonist or the man from the future age the real protagonist. Which one was more true and good?
They were both perfect in every way that mattered for being the protagonist for the Big Kahuna, who was interested in not letting humanity fall to the Devil’s evil schemes so soon. There was almost a good hundred thousand years left on their book at least before the next service was required, and he intended to make the most out of that mileage before trading in humanity for a new race.
Even though both men had become friends finding the problem and resolving it with a good story to cover all the bad parts and make them easier to stomach, they had become even greater rivals, often on the brink of fighting each other like beasts of the previous age before both of theirs. That was always when they let their cooler heads prevail though, because if they resorted to such foolishness neither would be able to be the protagonist and humanity would surely go extinct by tomorrow morning.
This decision really didn’t matter all that much except for who was going to sit where when the time came to take their places. It was an absurd thing to fight over, both being humble about it and offering to give the place to the other, and then not accepting it, then arguing, and nothing was accomplished while the fate of humanity was hanging in the balance.
Then the moment of truth came. The Devil knew immediately how to settle this dispute, and in his infinite wisdom, the Big Kahuna allowed the Devil to do so. So the Devil selected the most maidenly maiden of all maidenly maidens he could find, and told her to test the men by asking them to do one thing for her and then let the Big Kahuna decide who won her test. She could never make up her mind and thought she wanted to be with women more because she had never known good men before, which is why the Big Kahuna had to judge for her.
In any case, when the Big Kahuna announced what was going to be the final test, she suddenly regretted what she had decided that test would be. That’s because she saw them both for the first time and knew that was the worst thing you could possibly say to men like that, and it meant that neither would want to marry her. She always wanted to get married too, but that’s a different story for another time.
In any case, the test was quite simply: which one has a bigger dick?
To her surprise, both men found the solution agreeable and made no protests about it. They knew the matter needed to be settled, and that was as good a way as fighting would be without needing to resort to violence like savages.
It was terribly awkward though because the measurement needed to be erect and the whole world and all of time was watching this happen, even if they were allowed to turn their backs to everyone for the measurements to take place with a little respect for privacy.
There they were. The most maidenly maiden in the world watching while as pale as a ghost, and two men who were perfect in every way for her by being good and truly good whipped out their pieces.
There were whispers from the angels when that happened, but there was yet enough blood flow for the measurement to occur. The measuring needed to happen simultaneously too in order to ensure the unknown variable was the same, which only made matter worse for the men being measured.
It may have taken a little angelic encouragement because of the awkwardness of the situation, but without much effort both men were soon firmly erect to be measured. There isn’t much else to say about that verb. Maybe there is a word for it? Irrelevant at the moment.
The result: THE EXACT SAME SIZE! Literally the exact same size. How could this be possible? Who knows? The angels don’t lie, so it had to be true. At this moment even the Big Kahuna was losing patience over the situation and was just about ready to throw in the towel for humanity and let them go extinct.
It was at that moment, when the man from the new age did the unthinkable.
He said, “this isn’t over yet. Measure again.” Then with his fingers, he pinched his foreskin and stretched in just a bit past the tip of his dick to be far enough for a bigger measurement. So it was.
The man from the old age was outraged at first and demanded the entire proceeding was unfair and wanted something different done. The Big Kahuna had decided, however, and the true main protagonist was identified as the man from the new age.
After the other man calmed down a bit and accepted the decision, he figured he ought to reconsider the subject of circumcision. At the very least, it would be better to have foreskin in the event that situation ever happened again. Thus, the main protagonist for all time who would sit in the seat of the main protagonist for all time was decided and finalized, the other man was going to be at his right, and circumcision was done away with.
The end.
There is also a spot for the main female protagonist, but I have nothing to say about that. She’ll show up when she show’s up and I don’t know who she is for certain until she does. I may have some clues as to her identity, but who they point to is a little hard to believe with the way things are in real life, so I’m thinking there may be more to the story that has yet to be revealed. However… if she is her, I wouldn’t have any objections about the matter.