Can you spare a million dollars?

Seriously.

That’s not a lot to ask most of you people who stalk me like the perverted panty sniffing hidden cam upskirt weirdos. The least you can do is give me some money when I ask like any beggar on the street does.

I don’t have enough money right now, I need to pay my bills, student loan debt, credit card debt, food, and various household expenses. I need some more bath soap. Things like that.

Is there anyone else in line asking you? Why the hell don’t you people give any charity to someone in need? Do you not know that I am doing good work for people? Just because I’m not one of your corporate slaves doesn’t mean I don’t contribute to the economy or society, so what the fuck?

Have a little compassion you Scrooge douches!

1 million dollars. Put that cash in my hand, preferably in a briefcase that you are also willing to give me to make the transaction look cool. We can even do the exchange at a night club you pay my tab and cab for to set the scene with your entourage and appear magnanimous in front of the cute girls, but don’t expect me to kiss no ring of yours. I will certainly be grateful and polite, but I kindly ask that you don’t push my humility. I don’t even have to know who you are. I won’t ask how you got the money or why you feel the need to give that money to me, but I will accept it as a donation of charity like any guy on the street does. I’m just on the cyber street, that’s all that’s different.

Who gives a shit what the Man says about? Let them investigate my life looking for leads for that money or sketchy business. There is nothing they haven’t already flipped over, spilled out, and smashed open to look inside without any cosideration of repairing the damage. What are they going to do? I’ll report it on my taxes as a gift and pay whatever the fuck the IRS wants back.

This is not money laundering. This is dry cleaned charity.

Send me an email and let’s make this happen so I can go out for another bowl of ramen soon.

Thank you.

I don’t have any issues with the IRS or paying taxes in general. I am a big supporter of high taxes and paying taxes in general. Paying taxes is a balm of indirect charity in a good society, and you can enjoy feeling good about helping the needy if you pay taxes willingly and know they are being used efficiently. I have a problem with the moron politicians who waste our tax payer money on crackpot schemes of evil and pseudoscience. That infuriates me to no end and I want those people thrown in prison for unethical scientific experimentation and violations of the Geneva convention. The politicians should be wiser with how they decide our money will be spent, but they are god damn incompetent buffoons who have less dignity than baboons and we will all be better off if they are decapitated.

Even poor as I am, wretched in financial disaster, and worse in social poverty— when I go to the store and I see people on the street who are also suffering, I feel bad about what they are suffering. If I have something I can give when they ask, I give them what I have, but I still do not like to be in situations like that. I’d rather everyone just have what they need to be easily enough accessible so there isn’t so much poverty… How about you, when you are a multi millionaire and see someone like that on your visit to the grocery store? Do you even consider what their life must be like? Have you ever felt a pang of sorrow and guilt seeing someone curled up under a blanket on the concrete looking half dead?

Holy smokes people! Why the fuck aren’t our taxes working! King Dump supposedly boosted our economy with his greed tactics, but all he did was take money away from poor people to add it onto the riches of the rich, didn’t he? He built a wall to prevent helping people who needed charity! There is no way he ever considered doing anything good for anyone else. Why are you rich people okay with that? Wouldn’t you want to feel less guilty about your lives?