The Official Story Persona of Nick Bylotas

Count Nickuluv

or

Bylotissimus the Gross

or

TBD

For those of you who don’t know, my real life Story began with the title and proclamation of my identity being described as “Gross”. The German midwife who ushered me into this world declared upon my arrival: “This baby is gross!” For whatever divine mystery and purpose I have been bestowed a sacred and vital burden of grossness and I shall not fail in bearing my grave duty to the end of my mortal life in this world and any further as necessary. Some would say being gross is a curse, but I inform you otherwise. It is simply the nature of man, and I am nothing if not a natural man. When you are so lost in darkness and the lights have all been put out, you will know the way back to your true self by he who is grossest to guide you. So come, cease your futile efforts to avoid the goo, and let us pass through slime and sticky moisture to the liberation of our most carnal and divine delights intertwined as one. And so it was that with the gross pepperoni scepter, Bylotissimus the Gross saved all of humanity and the world by doing what is most mysterious, taboo, and for adult audiences only even though there were children present.