Why ain'tcha herda Jeezus!?

Listen here, you datgum semite bugger!

If y’all done herda Jeezus, then why u mad!?

Why u mad at my man wrap? Why u tryna bust my balls over skin, when the Lord n’ Savior done give his skin, blood n’ all up on them there cross for you!? So if Jeezus Christ n’ God already done give you all their skin, why’r u tryn’a get a cut of my choice beef? Dontcha know how poor I am!? I ain’t got nuthin’ but skin, and that ain’t even yours to take! Get y’all some of the Christ bites from the Romuns if that’s what ur after, cause they pass out his body and blood erry dang ol’ day, and more than once on the Lords day!

‘Sides… wldn’t wanna be the fool who says God n’ Jeezus ain’t enough for them on that account, cause them Christins, s’pecially protest’ants, get bloody violent mad when u say their faith ain’t no good, n’dey been liable to burn folks ‘live too! I don’t wanna be in ur shoes when they hear what u been doin’, that’s fur dang true. So I reckon u ought get ur story straight ‘forhand cuz’ I done seen them goin’ yur way.

You ain’t got no bizness even thinkin’ bout my man meat’s holy day trappings unless you feelin’ you wanna gofer a good ol’ fashioned submureeen sandwich with me divin’ deep into your fleshly apetite’s sacr’d waters. Ya’ dig? Now I know y’all menfolk don’t got no sacr’d waters, so don’t you be tryin’ pull none of them there mystico mumbo jumblin’, cause I done got me all the sacr’d water I done need from the man Jeezus sent thru his ‘siples. Baptizmofied, I wuz, I tell you what, and even though I know’d I gotta be rejectin’ evil befo, I said them there words too with my hand to God, and the sacr’d oil dabbed right here on this old noggin’ as an extra measure on the house, jus n’ case the Devil tries to say I ain’t deserve no crown and take it for his own. I reckon I’ve been followin’ the Lord’s way good enuff to not have no’one tell me no, and that there oil proves it! Now that I’m thinkin’ bout the holy head blessins, I reckon that stuffs good for more than saving souls’ cause without it my skull’d probly be cracked from all them cans I dun crushed up there later.

So you see? U need to hear the gospul truf and I’m here to revelate unto you: Ya ready!? Saul! Saul! Why u doggin’ me bro!? Don’t you know I’ll whoop you’re panzy ass, and neither us want to see me crack a little dork like you over the head for bein’ rude to your senpai. So, let bygones go by gone and get up back on yo feet and stumble you dazed n’ confused self on over to Dem’Arkansas or wherefolk round here done still preach the Book and see if they don’t set ya right. M’kay?

And you them kids there, y’all stay away from the meth and dope, cuz drugs r’ bad an yule go t’hell. Probly. I don’t really know cause I ain’t been there myself, but that’s what they say Ima s’posed to tell u, and I don’t want no more trouble. Bein’ high already got me jailed once when I was too damn stoned to stay in the lines when writin’ me scribes… or somethin’ I don’t quite ‘member correctly on account bein’ too damn stoned an all, but I do remember jail bein’ a real bumfuzzling killjoy, so don’t get urself locked up now, ya hear?

And another thing——

That’s all the time we have for you right now ladies and gentlemen, so be sure to tip your waitress, bartenders, cabbies, and writers on your way out. Goodnight!

Now hold on there, maestro, I wudn’t dun yet! I still got loads more to tell ‘bout the good Lord n’ Savior Jeezus the man n God immaculated by the Virgin maiden. Miracle, ‘twas, on Christmas day, so you know it's tru! Santa don’t let no fake miracles pass on his day! He’d know the same way he knows if you—

I know, Bygoatus Sheepleskin, I know, but their cup is already full, and you wouldn’t want to spill over would you? You can come back another time and tell them more.

I reckon that makes since. I’ll be in my trailor havin’ a latte with no-skimmed milk and watchin’ Jerry Springer if you need me.