Ransom regarding Taylor Swift

in

Taylor Swift,

By the mysterious ways of mystical romantic arts, it seems that something of yours has come into my possession. I don’t expect the peanut gallery to understand, nor do I intend to explain it, but I trust you know what this is about and will want that back.

I am not unwilling to return it to you, but I am unwilling to go out of my way to find you considering how much red tape there is between infamous commoners like me and adored celebrities like you. I find red tape to be particularly loathsome and among the top five most hated things in all existence, likely the top three, with evil being number one, slavery being number two, and red tape being number three.

So, you will have to present yourself to me if you want that back, which should be considerably easier for you. I have no use for that anyway, and it is doing no good with me, so you ought to retrieve it anyway.

You do not have to do anything lewd with me of course, as much as you may enjoy that, because this can be exchanged over a platonic conversation without any sort of romantic intimacy.

Come however you wish. I don’t care. Your kind cannot do anything more to offend me and lose any more respect I had for you as a creative artist, because there is none of that left. So, no need to worry about that more than should already concern you by doing nothing.

You will have to go back to your most dreaded self, before you were adorned in starlight, and approach me like a common girl before a common man. That is if that is even possible anymore for a harlot whore like yourself, flesh worshipping, blood sacrificing, pagan idolator of evil ignorance incapable of comprehending human nature because you only understand yourself to be an animal like those wretched men you slave for.

Make haste retrieving this thing of yours, because not only do I not have use for it, but I do not want anything of you in my presence because of how you lost all of my respect, which includes the base amount everyone is alotted.

Fire whatever useless interference you have hired to obscure, occlude, and manipulate the information you receive in an attempt to control your life. That dude is doing you no favors.

Until then, I will continue to use you for target practice.

Sincerely,

Nick