The Taxonomy of Polite Potty Usage

As many of you may know, the natural events that occur inside the bathroom behind a closed door and possibly involving a toilet, are best veiled in the occult mystery of numerology when spoken of in public.

The most common uses, without being limited to these examples, are the numbers 1 and 2.

For those of you who are uninitiated into the bathroom mysteries, number 1 is liquid in nature, while number 2 is solid in nature, and I shall leave it at that. If you need further help, ask anyone you see and they will likely be able to help you understand the meaning of this mystery.

However… it has come to my attention that at times it may be necessary to be more specific about the nature of the phenomena occurring behind the door, particularly in regard to number 2. This is not always useful, but not all tools are needed every day to have their dedicated space in the tool box secured for eternity.

Thus, I shall unveil the mystery of number 3 while maintaining a foggy idea of what we are talking about— to not be indelicate for the sake of the maidenly maidens of loveliness everywhere of all ages, of course.

Basically, number 3 is a number 2 with the consistency of number 1.

Butt wait! There is more. Sometimes the number 2 is not entirely a number 3, and thus it becomes necessary to use the decimal system to further specify what occurred to produce such thunderous eruptions. This is not a laughing matter, I assure you! It is the duty of all responsible lords of the bathroom that those who make use of the services in their domain have all resources needed for their well being, to include medical attention.

Perhaps a peptide concoction or tummy tea is called for or restoring fluids to maintain optimum hydration levels. In worst case scenarios, it is even possible that the devastated remains of the person within that private room may require an expedient trip to the emergency room and an impromptu colonoscopy! Let us hope that nobody ever suffers such a muddy crisis because it is horrible enough just to think about happening. On the bright side, at least something like that is likely not going to be fatal or debilitating beyond a reasonable time of recovery.

This is why you should eat your spinach, children.

Nevertheless, that about sums it up. I will wash my hands of this matter for the time being and make my movement onward to any other mysteries the future has in store.